Journal Entry #345
This post will be different. Rather than writing a devotional, I’m just going to journal with you. If this reads as “all over the place,” it’s because that’s exactly where my mind is today.
Please be gentle with me as you read.
Journal Entry #345
Have you ever been pushing against something but it won't budge? Like you're giving it your all, knees bent and you're straining so hard but you're met with so much resistance? That's how I feel right now. Like I'm pushing against something with all my might and strength but this unseen object just won't move. I know why. I truly do know why. I just can't and won't move. God keeps telling me why. It's not meant for me to move it. It's not meant for me to be pushing so hard. I'm relying on my own strength but this force can't be moved by me, it can only moved by God. And it can only be moved by Him when I let it go and get out of His way. But how do I do that? How do I stop relying on my own strength? How do you give something to God and stop obsessing over when He's going to make it right? I am 100% aware that I have trust and control issues. God told me what He wants me to do yet I can't do it because I don't trust Him with my whole heart that things won't fall apart once I do the thing that He wants me to do. It’s like I’m waiting for a right time to do it. God never told me to wait for a right time, He just told me to get it done. Why am I actively wrestling with Him to have my own way? I don’t want Him to give me over to my worldly desires. I want what He wants for me but I won’t let go of what’s not for me. Make it make sense, Jurnee. I'm aware that delayed obedience is still disobedience yet I'm still trying to hold things together and make them work. Why do surrender and obedience seem hard? Heavy? Impossible? I know that even with me admitting that I don’t fully trust God, He still doesn’t shame me for it. His gentle grace still covers me even when I don’t make the right decision. Yes, He gives peace in chaos but what if this isn’t the kind of chaos He was talking about? I want more than just the belief in the Lord. I want to actively follow and obey Him, too. I constantly feel like I’m working to be a good Christian. Like my life isn’t a good depiction of what someone who loves the Lord looks like. All this striving is just making me overwhelmed. I feel like a bad steward. Like I’m not properly taking care of what’s been given to me. Inside and out, I just feel like a big ball of tangled yarn. I feel lazy, undisciplined, unmotivated, phony…
sighs
I’ve got the “know better” in “know better, do better,” I just can’t figure out the “do better”.
Prayer 🛐
God,
I am a hot mess. My life is shaky and so is my faith. I believe in Jesus. I believe in His sacrifice for me and I love You, but I’m not trusting You with my whole heart. Father God, help me to release what I cannot control. Help me to stop leaning on my own strength and understanding and to trust that you will direct my path. Your ways are bigger and better than my own. God, I ask for Your help in this inward battle to go against obeying what You have asked of me. I know surrender is not a one-time thing and I may have come to You daily… even hourly to release it all over again. God, I ask for Your peace and comfort whenever my flesh wants to take control again.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
